his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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