god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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