listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
