This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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