I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
