You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
