Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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