My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
