I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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