I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
