We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Randomize
