Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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