Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
