I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
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My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
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I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
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