spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
