He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
