Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
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i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
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You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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