We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
