I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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