Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
