i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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