dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
