Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
