i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
My cat gives me a boner
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
