If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
