I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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