if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
