yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
