Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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