I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
