im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
