Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
