You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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