when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
