Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
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tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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