nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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