Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
