I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
being pregnant is like rehab
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
