I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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