Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
