How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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