We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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