just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Randomize
