Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
