Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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