you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
