My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
