He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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