He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
