we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
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He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
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And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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