Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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