I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
