I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
