Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
