dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
