i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
