his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
