I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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